In Between

Since I've been completely and utterly neglectful of this blog due to a pathetic writer's block, I'm going to attempt to break through by writing about my dreams and see where it goes. Something abstract and tactless yet meaningful to some part of my psyche, apparently.

I've found a recent theme of abandonment throughout my dreams for the past few nights. In my dreams I'm looking for my sister to save me from burning my foot in the oven, yet she is no where to be found until too late. And in another dream my parents invite us all to a party, but I think we're too cool to go so we kind of hang back and continue doing our things, or so I think. Next time I turn around my sisters are dressed up and getting into the car, without telling me that they'd decided to go, in other words, not inviting me. My reaction in that dream was to have a maaajor thrombo on the hood of the car. It was horribly embarrassing but I meant every satanic word. At the time.

This totally would happen in real life by the way, or at least in my head. I would first feel hurt and it would turn into feelings of betrayal. I'd immediately mask my pain with pride and go back inside and continue on some passive aggressive adventure of revenge, like mess up the closet that they just organized, or hide their favorite stuffed animals. It's a reaction I've had all my life. It used to be that there was no difference between being late and on time as long as I showed up, yet I fall to pieces when the other person doesn't notify me when they're running behind. I tend to translate this lack of fortuitous timing into neglect, and take personal offense to this inconsideration. Now I ask for exact time estimations from my dates, to the minute or at least a 6 minute range. It's turning me into a control freak!

In my waking life I'm learning to deal with my anger (I know, what? Milan angry? Just ask my sisters) and how it stems from the pain of feeling abandoned. I am at a COMPLETE loss as to how to get over it. I can be logical and realize that shtuff happens and it doesn't mean that I am the center of the universe (but I am the center of MY universe!) and that I don't have to be made the victim (then why do i FEEL like the victim??). Exasperated sigh.

It's ridiculous really, and I can't help but feel that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Alls I knows is that either 1) my significant other is going to have to be extra communicative and constantly present (not physically, mainly emotionally) in order to reassure my ego that it is loved or 2) love my ego myself. Or both.

The conversations in my head go like this:

Me: You are not the center of the universe.
Ego: But I am the center of MY universe.
Me: Ok yes, but you have to live with others in this universe so calm the cow down!
Ego: *pout* ok.

Me: You don't have to be the victim today.
Ego: But I am the victim, why else would I feel this way?
Me: Because you're hurt, that's all. It's a legitimate reaction and it'll pass.
Ego: But when?
Me: As soon as you stop making yourself the victim.
Ego: But I want to be! I don't have to be strong here!
Me: Aha. So that's what you want? To be weak?
Ego: no...
Me: Okay. Well I love you so be strong and it will pass.
Ego: *pout* ok.

We all have our inner demons called the ego, and I think we all should have a better relationship with it. I don't know if having this type of conversation will work for me, but I'll give it a try the next time I find myself in a completely irrational place. Like while having a hissy fit on the hood of a car.