In Between

I came home late last night and he points me to the hallway I'd just walked through. You want me to... leave? I look back and see something new, an addition that wasn't there before. I walk over and instantly recognize it as the last Tugboat print I was pining over in my last post, The Iceberg. He'd read my blog and my not-so-subtle hint and he actually bought it for me! He even looked through all the rest of the items in their shop to be sure that's the one I'd really like. Smitten, with him for listening, and the poster for being pure awesome.


What I love most about the poster is that it's beyond that, the idea of "what's below the tip of the iceberg". I observe the meticulous detail required to design the piece and then to register chunks of wood to precision... I love feeling that part of the art -- the making part, the part that makes it made. Good job, Tugboat!

Just an update on the waking up early routine: I've been successful. Who knew I would ever get used to waking up at 5:33AM? I wouldn't be able to do it alone, so most of the credit belongs to the ever-so-dedicated Jase. Our mornings are consistently as the following:

We wake to the sound of his alarm, lay around for what seems much longer than the 3 minutes that passes, and after sharing a quick hug and a kiss he'll get going first. I'll quite literally stumble to meet him at the sinks, but not before stretching like a cat and collapsing for another few minutes. Blurry-eyed [yet to put my contacts in], I reach out to turn on the water, and while waiting for it to warm I try to stand straight. If I can't catch my balance I lean on his left shoulder and give him a horrid morning-smile that can't possibly be endearing but he seems to think it is. He laughs. I wash up, style the hairs, put the face on, and get dressed. Of course by now he's been waiting for 10 minutes, patient as a lion, and I'm hustling to get my things together and run out the door. Normally I'd joke and say, "Gosh, are you ready yet? I've been waiting for you!" [even though, clearly, he's been waiting for me] and he'll go, "ho-ho-ho-really?!" and I'll go, "teehee hee yeaaaa," but now I realize, I should probably just thank him for not ditching me.

I haven't always been open to accepting wisdom from others. Sometimes I just want to figure things out myself. What can I say, I'm the stubborn middle child. My heart clenches when criticized, but still, I try to improve.

In my relationship with Jase, I've had to look in the mirror more closely than I've ever cared to look before. Thing is, I know that there's so much more to discover. That both excites and scares me, to be quite honest, so I take it in doses, working on what I can, when I can, and hope that it's for the better. Now that we're taking that next step (more on that later), I'm even more aware of what needs fixing before it's too late.

This time, it took reading Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP newsletter this morning to realize that my relationship with Jase is going to change, and for the better. The newsletter is articulately written from three male perspectives, and  I wanted to share all these golden nuggets of wisdom with you, but also so I can call on it if (and when) I'll need it too.  Deepak Chopra touches on so many good points in his essay, but here are a few of the ones that spoke to me personally.

"Relationships are happy where love is nurtured. They begin to fray around the edges when love is compromised, and they end when love is gone."

"To rescue love, you first must understand what it is. Love includes affection but is more than affection. It associates itself with sexual desire, kindness, compassion, altruism, and mutual regard.  With those things in mind, many couples turn love into loving acts and loving feelings.  But such efforts are the effect of love, not love itself. You cannot turn an effect into a cause."

"Love as a cause goes beyond the individual. It's transpersonal or as spiritual teachers say, transcendent.  That's not the same as mystical. To transcend means to go beyond.  In this case, we want to contact love that goes beyond the ego. The ego is often put in charge of love. When love becomes what "I" want, then relationship is a negotiation between two selfish points of view."

"Instead of wasting time with the ego's version of love, return to the place of love. " 

"The differences between a man and a woman fade in the light of a shared goal that is bigger than any ego need or desire.  Every day becomes both a rescue and a surrender. Not a surrender to another person's ego, which can only feel like defeat. Rather, both partners surrender to the larger goal."

Actually, you know what, I think I'm way more excited than scared. Three years into this relationship, I know my ego still drives my heart more often than not. I won't beat myself up for that. I'm still working on myself and therefore still working on love. And I want to know that sort of love, more than anything. So, bring it on, Deepak. I'm ready.

Read all three essays on Sustaining Relationships here.

I really enjoy reading about what other couples bicker about. I know that it can be sort of voyeuristic of me to enjoy a peek into an intimate relationship, but it just makes me giggle! I found this from MightyGirl's blog:

"Me (Margaret Mason): Yow. It may be time to trim those toenails.
Bryan (her husband): No! They’re the source of my power."

That would make me laugh.

Jas and I hardly bicker. While we have dozens of great serious-turned-hilarious moments, we have dozens of arguments due to poor communication or bad moods. But I couldn't call it bickering. We're notorious for retreating into our own shells, but we've figured out a formula that works for us. It boils down to either 1) If either of us need to leave, let the other know- like last night, and 2) Do what it takes to keep moving forward, through distraction or talking- like last night.

Ok so to preface, yesterday we rode the train home together after work yesterday in silence, and didn't quite reconnect. You know how sometimes couples energize off each other, and when one is down the other just needs to pick up the slack and fill that gap? I was tired and pissy from the day-long downpour, I guess, and didn't really have any energy at all. Oh, and it's definitely That Time of Month.

When we got home, I immediately called a leasing consultant about an apartment I'd been obsessing over all weekend. While one the phone, Jas was crunching on tortilla chips REALLY loudly next to me so I motioned for to him to stop. It was an important call. When he reached for another chip I made sure to smile as I reached and gently pinched his lips closed, just in case he hadn't gotten my telepathic message to for-the-love-of-buddha--please-stop-eating-those-three-month-old-tortilla-chips-i-can't-hear-myself-think!!!

I don't know, maybe it was his way of cheering me up because he noticed I was quiet on the train, or maybe it was the teenager in him retaliating my motherly demand, but seeming like he got the message, he went into the other room, turned around, and shot his fists into the air while beaming as wiiidely as possible. As if to cheer me on or something. Cute, right? Yeah, I thought so too. But then remembered I was on the phone and hadn't been listening to the leasing dude at all (did I mention that this is a very important call about an apartment that we BOTH love!?). I gave Jas a "question?" look and he pumped his fists into the air again. Okay. That he is messing with me has just been confirmed.

I turn my attention back to the phone. Jas comes back into the room, no, scratch that, BOUNDS back into the room as if he had something urgent to tell me. I look up, and he's cheesing in my face. Normally cute, not so much when I'm trying to secure our FUTURE HOME. I won't tell you what he did next to make me turn completely backwards on the couch, but I will tell you that it had something to do with his slapping his butt. Here's a visual for you. I'm not sure how to illustrate how I felt at the time but rest assured, I was FUMING.








After I got off the phone, it was obvious that Jason knew I was annoyed and that he felt bad, but I was unable to become UNannoyed. So I steamed for a bit while he went to the gym, but the gym's power was out so he came back and I sulked some more but he stuck with me. Good man. In the end, he picked up some dinner and we ate while watching Mad Men. oh, 3) Eating a good meal always helps. After eating we were alllll good.

But yeah, bickering? I can't really think of anything in specific. =)

Anyway, I am almost certain that IF we bicker it's 100% initiated by me. I admit my main neurosis is to have things my way - which of course makes me bossy, but he seems to absorb it well seeing as how his personality is much like the rubber skin of Mr. Fantastic. I really love that about him. So much that I really try be aware and keep my crazy to a minimum so that I don't abuse or take him for granted. Next time I'll know, he's really cheering me on for NOT choking him the ONE time he won't let me have my way.

Do you have silly arguments with your friends or significant others? I'd love to hear your stories.

I can't imagine an anniversary celebration topping this last one at year 3. We might have to call it quits while we're ahead! Just kidding. But really, it was that relaxing. By the photos above you might think that we were in the company of royalty in Ireland for the Labor Day weekend but in reality, we stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Half Moon Bay for one night. It was misty but not cold, which was actually perfect for napping on the sand. We had our own firepit on our porch where we watched golfers while sipping wine and discussing ways to jump into the hole in the bush that was our view. We made much needed visits to the beach to and from the resort, a must for the few weeks of Indian summer we have left.

Highlights: Bathing in BVLGARI soaps and shampoos, dining at the Navio brunch buffet and receiving a complimentary (and endearingly misspelled) box of chocolates, contemplating the ocean from a bench on a cliff, oh, and this drive-by shot of dinosaurs at Half Moon Bay!!!



Lord knows I've mentioned him once or twice before, so I won't try to make you barf over about how much I love this man. I just hope that he knows how much. More than fresh dill. More than getting mail.

"... So put on a happy face!"
I am actually deeply looking forward to snowboarding season. Look at these blue skies taken last winter on a ride up to North Lake Tahoe. Can you feel the 7AM cold against your face? The virgin powder grinding beneath your board, the feeling of weightlessness as you fly over the mountain... oh my god look what you've done to me!

Everyone, if there is one thing my boyfriend is passionate about, it's snowboarding. He's been doing it for like 10 years, long before I showed up in the picture. I'll let him tell you which one he loves more. When we first started dating it was a long distance relationship of a two and a half hour drive between us, leaving us roughly two days out of schedules to see each other. After a couple of months of that routine, winter came and changed it up on me. Our new routine consisted of him coming up the night before to spend the night, only to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn the next day to head to the mountains for the day. All day. Every weekend. CONSISTENTLY. Albeit I was toasty warm in bed, sleeping like a normal human being, I began to feel a sort of resent for the mountains, as if they were taking half my weekend with him away from me.

Stupid, I know. I'm a girl.

The next winter Jason came up with a rather genius solution. He decided that I should come along with him! Me, his girlfriend, the most NON-ATHLETIC PERSON ALIVE, to join him in a recreational sport. (That sentence, with that combination of words, by the way, should not exist.) His Christmas gift to me was a new board and bindings and boots. ummmm, awesome?

Let's just say that season kicked my ass. Badly. The next one, this past one, got a lot better. When there was soft snow my confidence boosted and I learned to go fast and get used to the speed. I could only ride heel-side and only just started to learn how to carve (I should probably insert the word "barely" in there somewhere) at the end of last season. I guess that's where I'll pick up next! My goal this year is to be able to keep up with them. Oh, and to not have to push myself along with my hands when it gets flat. That's just embarrassing.

Who brings a twinkle to my eyes? Jason, my partner in crime. He’s so close to me that I sometimes don’t see him clearly or notice the things he does for me. You know how it is. I’ll go through rotten phases when I think “he’s not sweet enough” or “he isn’t thoughtful enough” but literally as soon as the thought crosses my mind, he does something absolutely darling to flat out prove me wrong.
I have this Blankie that I’ve loved and cherished since childhood. Despite knowing how much it means to me, he occasionally teases me by calling it a “towel”. Grr.

I've taken it with me on every vacation, road trip, and sleepover I've ever been to. One corner used to live in my mouth. I had a technique for rubbing the soft fabric on my upper lip while sucking my thumb (a habit I didn't break until 4th grade or something ridiculous). Today I have a way of wrapping it around my head and over my eyes when I can't sleep, creating a cloud of soft warmth that soothes me like a charm.

The other morning we were getting ready to start the day and he’s uncharacteristically making the bed for us. Upon leaving the house I run back inside to grab something and see that after making the bed, he’d arranged two pillows and Blankie to form a HUGE smiley face, as if to make up for all the times he’s called it a towel. And I totally forgive him because of this moment.



Moments like these are common with Jason. He'll contradict my negative thoughts with a sleight of his hand and completely melt my heart. I don't know, maybe it doesn't take much to make me happy, but in my eyes, he totally turns my world right side up.

Ugh, so grossly cute I might have to steal this idea. For something.

For his own wedding by Matt Dorfman via design*sponge Be sure to check out his impressive work!

5/29/09
Beautiful Draper Stripe bedding by Dwell. I would sleep so blissfully if I had a bed like this. The lovely country stripes and calming blue feel like home to me.



4/16/09
O dear. I've been very productive today. As in, looking at products. Lots of them.

This bag this bag this bag please please please. This bag would eliminate the need for twelve of my other bags. And I would be stylish, and it would last forever because it's leather. Italian leather.

This notebook by Muji.

This Blind Pilot album for some sweet acoustic listening for this summer, on repeat in my scorching hot apartment. Recommended by a friend who's been doing a Song a Day on Facebook Notes. He's got good taste.

A fan might be nice. Bidding now.

Speakers might be nice. Something small that i can put up on the shelf above the windows...

A vacation here.

This cute jumper from Brooklyn Industries.

Every single piece of jewelry in this woman's Etsy shop. I want to grow up to be this kind of elegant.

3/23/09
Anywho, I'd like to start with a I came across this and thought I'd make my own checklist places of where I'd like to be kissed by my boyfriend. Not on my body, silly - actual world locations!

MY KISSLIST
in the pouring tropical rain
in a treehouse that we built
on a ferris wheel on a cool day
on a grassy hill, preferably in Ireland
over a white picket fence
during a picnic on a small boatjavascript:void(0)
in a blanket fort
through a cab window

Since I've been completely and utterly neglectful of this blog due to a pathetic writer's block, I'm going to attempt to break through by writing about my dreams and see where it goes. Something abstract and tactless yet meaningful to some part of my psyche, apparently.

I've found a recent theme of abandonment throughout my dreams for the past few nights. In my dreams I'm looking for my sister to save me from burning my foot in the oven, yet she is no where to be found until too late. And in another dream my parents invite us all to a party, but I think we're too cool to go so we kind of hang back and continue doing our things, or so I think. Next time I turn around my sisters are dressed up and getting into the car, without telling me that they'd decided to go, in other words, not inviting me. My reaction in that dream was to have a maaajor thrombo on the hood of the car. It was horribly embarrassing but I meant every satanic word. At the time.

This totally would happen in real life by the way, or at least in my head. I would first feel hurt and it would turn into feelings of betrayal. I'd immediately mask my pain with pride and go back inside and continue on some passive aggressive adventure of revenge, like mess up the closet that they just organized, or hide their favorite stuffed animals. It's a reaction I've had all my life. It used to be that there was no difference between being late and on time as long as I showed up, yet I fall to pieces when the other person doesn't notify me when they're running behind. I tend to translate this lack of fortuitous timing into neglect, and take personal offense to this inconsideration. Now I ask for exact time estimations from my dates, to the minute or at least a 6 minute range. It's turning me into a control freak!

In my waking life I'm learning to deal with my anger (I know, what? Milan angry? Just ask my sisters) and how it stems from the pain of feeling abandoned. I am at a COMPLETE loss as to how to get over it. I can be logical and realize that shtuff happens and it doesn't mean that I am the center of the universe (but I am the center of MY universe!) and that I don't have to be made the victim (then why do i FEEL like the victim??). Exasperated sigh.

It's ridiculous really, and I can't help but feel that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Alls I knows is that either 1) my significant other is going to have to be extra communicative and constantly present (not physically, mainly emotionally) in order to reassure my ego that it is loved or 2) love my ego myself. Or both.

The conversations in my head go like this:

Me: You are not the center of the universe.
Ego: But I am the center of MY universe.
Me: Ok yes, but you have to live with others in this universe so calm the cow down!
Ego: *pout* ok.

Me: You don't have to be the victim today.
Ego: But I am the victim, why else would I feel this way?
Me: Because you're hurt, that's all. It's a legitimate reaction and it'll pass.
Ego: But when?
Me: As soon as you stop making yourself the victim.
Ego: But I want to be! I don't have to be strong here!
Me: Aha. So that's what you want? To be weak?
Ego: no...
Me: Okay. Well I love you so be strong and it will pass.
Ego: *pout* ok.

We all have our inner demons called the ego, and I think we all should have a better relationship with it. I don't know if having this type of conversation will work for me, but I'll give it a try the next time I find myself in a completely irrational place. Like while having a hissy fit on the hood of a car.

Here's another amazing infographic for you problem-solvers. Created by the team at KnockKnock, a fun online design shop.




Click to download pdf.

He is my partner, my blanket, my sunshine and my rock. He has impeccable timing. He makes me laugh in thousands of ways. He tolerates my tantrums and even lets me use him as a punching bag. He's the only person who has seen all my faces, and I mean ALL of them. He is the most patient, kind, generous and trustworthy person I know. If ever I doubt that, please slap me and remind me how lucky I am to have him in my life.

Congratulations, Raymond and Maichi! She is first one in our family to take that wonderful step towards eternal unification.

Symbollically (vs. technically), marriage has always been a goal for me. Given good timing and readiness, to find that person that you declare as your life partner is beautiful thing. I always thought that as soon as you know it, you know it. But I have also learned that it is not easy, and it doesn't necessarily come naturally nor clearly. While it is brave to believe in that kind of effortless love, I find it brave to also admit that it takes a lot more work than you might be ready for. I don't know the answers, but in my experience there will be pivotal points where one feels to quit. But when you shake off the fears and open the doors, the belief in love is restored and then the two can continue forth even stronger and happier than before. When you find that person, hang on for the ride.

So here's to the journey, Maichi and Raymond! I hope that you two are excited for the many adventures you have in store together.

I'm feeling pretty fantastic today. It's been a while since I've been happy with all aspects of my life: Friends, Family, Work, Love, Creativity. Physical Health is not on that list because it's on timeout - always too disappointing.

I slept in this Saturday morning. I awoke to find amazing sunlight bursting through my blinds, so I let it in and my room has been glowing since. I've lit candles, eaten boiled eggs and wheat English muffins, played with the camera, organized the piles in my room into new piles, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, done sufficient web browsing and even wrote an entry for the collaborative journal. More on that when time comes.

Creativity is flowing through me and it feels so gooood. I am enjoying it thoroughly while it lasts. You know that feeling, when you have something you know is good but only temporarily? The ONLY thing you can do is appreciate it and take advantage of all that it offers, while it's being offered. Don't think about anything but the present, and don't be sad when when the moment is gone.

I'm going to go eat some ice cream now.